MIRROR...PART (ii)

                    Comatose; Diary of a serial killer...

.... My heart was racing. Every nerve in my body was  racing.
''What have I done?????????''
''What is this that I have become????.....''
  
I could feel my heart beat go higher and higher and higher with each passing second. I was sweating. A cold torrent of bitter drops cascaded down my forehead. I could taste the salty taste of my heinous act on my very lips. The lips that sparked my actions. The eyes that sourced my jealousy. The heart that planned. The will that did!
     I could not bare it any longer...  I stormed out of the vicinity. Leaving behind a myriad of confused and bemused looks. I could even feel their cold, cold glares as I ran past them. I could  hear their voices as they followed me. The blame that they cast on me. Innocent me!!!... Evil me...

           ''Our Father who art in Heaven.
Hollowed be Your Name. Your Kingdom come. Thy will  be done on earth as it is in Heaven...''

I sat on a bench at a local church that I just found myself in. I wasn't going anywhere in particular. I was running. Running away from myself. The thoughts that were deep inside me. The devil I had become. As I sat there listening to my own prayer, I couldn't help but think; Was this God's will for me? Was this what I was meant to become?  Is this the hell that Heaven is? Is God even there? Is He looking out for me, or just watching as I turn into this demon?

          ''Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us.''

I stopped. I couldn't continue. For a brief moment my lips became numb. My mind failed to form any more words. Deep inside I was bleeding. Bleeding blood that wasn't mine. Like Cain and his brother Abel, my lovers blood was crying out. Cursing me. Killing me.
        ''Foolish woman! You beg for forgiveness as you have forgiven others yet you know you killed instead of forgiving. You shed blood instead of  pardoning life yet you cry out for a similar fate. Do unto thine brother what you will be done unto thee!!!! God is just. You will die the same death your lover died.

       ''NOOOO,'' I cried out.

''YEEESSS. What goes around comes back around!''

''But...but... I loved him,'' I cried out. '' I really did love him.''

'' God also really does loves you.''

''Noooo!''

I could feel the truth dawning on me. As much as I hated it, deep inside me I knew that that was the naked truth. Naked as my evil heart. I cried. I cried till the pain shifted to my now blood-red eyes. Blood red as the blood I shed. My hands were dirty. Dirty from  my unforgivable transgressions. I gave up my prayer and began to amble out of the church convinced that Heaven had no time for me.
     Why is the world like this? Why do those who are close to you hurt you the most? If God  be with us...Emmanuel...why is the world unlike Him? Unlike all that He claims to be? Brothers kill you. Do all they can to ensure you remain the same. The same pitiful, broken dead person you are. Those whom you shared the same womb. Daughters of your mother. Sisters of the church.

At that point as I continued to saunter towards the exit, one thought lingered deeply within me.

''I hate you God. I hate you for creating this abyss of misery and calling it earth. I hate you for bringing this pain upon us. What did we ever do to You that we should suffer so? What Lord? What?
Am tired and worn out from the work it takes me to keep on breathing. The work I do with  every aching heart beat. My soul is crushed by the heavy weight of this world. I need something. Something to renew me. Restore me. Redeem me if I am to continue to suffer so. Suffering in this world where innocence is an offense.''

I was just near the exit to the Holy sanctuary when I stopped. Something caught my eye... Something I had not noticed when I came in...

                        A crucifix. Jesus on a cross. The ultimate sign of redemption.

At that point, a cacophony of noises flooded my mind.... Like a swarm of bees, they came. Came from every side. Came to torture my already dead spirit...;
                   ''You hate Me? You say that You hate who I am. What I have created. Where I have placed you. Well who did you want to be? Where did you want to be for apparently, I was  wrong with locations. Look at me. Here I am on a wooden cross. What wrong did I DO TO DESERVE SUCH  PUNISHMENT? Between you  and Me, who is more innocent. Who is it that deserves to be on this cross?
                 Listen, hate Me all you want, but I will always love you. You mean a lot to Me and that is why I died for you. You may look all around you and see nothing but evil and death because that's all that is out there. But when you look inside you, you will always find Me. You may live on this earth but you are not of this world. I will always be inside you. Deep inside you. Let Me be your mirror...
          ...and I will  never lead you into temptation or towards harms way. Instead, I will deliver you from all the evil you have done and that which has been done unto you. For that is my Kingdom. Where I want you to be in. And through my power and glory, I will forever be with you. Forever and ever.''

I stood there. Numb. Broken. Alive and hopeful. All I could say was...''Amen''...